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It's not fucking hard.

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For God's sake. Who teaches these fucking children at school?

Showering before the Jacuzzi

I have been spending quite a bit of time at the gym of late, and have observed some less than pleasant traits amongst some of my fellow gym users.

Now I go to a fairly nice gym, not cheap, but I get the best equipment, a great steam/sauna/jacuzzi setup, and there is a lot to look at whilst being there. By that I of course mean it has views of the golf courses.....

It's the jacuzzi where the place falls down. Nothing wrong with the jacuzzi as is, it's huge, very warm, bubbly, everything you would want it to be. My problem is people who get out of the sauna or the steam room, and walk straight into the jacuzzi.

Now, there are signs everywhere asking before you enter the jacuzzi or pool, please shower. Why the fuck would this not be the case if you have just sweat the grime off your balls? Why would I want to share in the moisture that is your underarms?

Am I wrong? I am new to the whole gym thing, but surely that is rank.

I am not even going to mention the blow-drying of the plums in full view of the locker room. That is wrong.

I am back.

As many of the people reading this will know, I am a generally disillusioned chap. Lost in the world we live in, not quite sure where I fit in, what I want to say, to what extent I will go to stand up for my beliefs, you know the kinds of things you'd like to think people think about.

Except they don't do they? Let's take the Average Joe. I have always hated that expression, hoping upon hope that there isn't an average, that we all offer something different, and that no two people can behave the same way under experimental conditions. Sadly my findings offer the contrary. I am often bewildered by the sheer stupidity of people, the arrogance to the point of detriment of some people, and the acceptance of mediocrity, stupidity and general patheticness.

I haven't always gone about my life as a decent person. I have been an absolute cunt to some people, some of whom didn't deserve it, several who did. So I think I am in a position to speak for both sides. I know what it is to have power, to have a hold over someone, and to be able to control people without them knowing. The latter isn't anywhere near as hard as you would hope.

I am a 33 year old man, living in a small "provincial" town. Whoever decided on that espression for anywhere outside of London needs a knock by the way. Even here in my town of fifteen thousand people there are all factions of society. There are people who live in million pound houses, and there are those people who live for the day their benefits get forwarded, and they can spend the afternoon in Lloyds, not the bank you understand, no the upscale version of Wetherspoons, where the characters from the Levelers' song "Hope St" hang out. Don't get me wrong, 5 years ago I loved those places. Breakfast from 8am, then if I could man it we could drink through until 1am the next day. Wow. What a country we live in we all cried.

I now cry that out for quite the opposite reason.

Perhaps I am getting old? Maybe my experiences have changed me? Could this be what happens to everyone at some point?

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a drink. I own more wine than my local pub does. I love a night out with the fellas, when circumstance allows of course. I just don't see the draw of being in a room with sweaty, drunk people rubbing themselves against me.

I am finding it very difficult to find many women/girls who are attractive anymore, and I have figured this to be about the dress code currently. There seems to be only a couple of ways of dressing at the moment, either like you are in a Shangri-La's video from the 70's, like you are in the Breakfast Club, or like a New Orleans street rat. I don't get it.

On things I don't get, why oh why oh why do the media insist on shoving these thick arseholes in my face all the time? People who can't speak properly should be there for entertainment, but not hosting TV shows, not shouting at me patronisingly over the airwaves. I am sick to the back teeth of hearing nonsense being uttered by people I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire, and for all intents and purposes paying for it.

I have left open ends here deliberately, I will come back and address these points over the next month or so. I imagine I will be seeing responses from people, either defending fuckwits, or telling me I need to be more understanding, please if you wish to make a point, do it with dignity, and back your point up. I will argue valid points, I will argue just for the sake of it, but I won't argue with asinine posturing.

That is all.

Look after yourself.

Coming to America

As I wander around, talking to people, watching people, and maybe obsessing a little on the stupid things people say and do, I find myself wondering if people here know and appreciate how lucky they are. I don't believe they quite get it.

Last week I was in New York, not a city I especially like but it has it's charms, it's comparisons to London are huge, the general attitude of people, the hurriedness of everyone, the stink of the place when the sun comes out. The one thing it does beat London at though hands down is the A/C on public transport. I heard on the news earlier a guy saying that he has no A/C in his apartment, so for a couple of hours a day he gets on the Subway and just travels to the end of one line, then comes back. In NYC you have 2 hours to complete your journey, which costs $2.20, bargain for 2 hours of comfort.

I digress, whilst I was in New York I found myself wondering if the people who live and work there appreciate that to almost the whole world New York is the promised land. People all over the world want to live in New York, we see it in movies, TV, books and even the newspapers. The most famous sports brand in the world is the N with 2 'Y's of the New York Yankees, Wall St is known the world over, the skyline is one of the most recognizable on the planet, and everyone knows what happened on September 11th 2001, the images from that day will forever stick in the mind of all of us.

So I have been talking to people asking about America in general, do they understand that a good percentage of the planet look up to America, would love to live here, and follow the day to day news from here as much as news in their own country.

I have found that people love their country, or their little part of it. People are of course patriotic, that is one thing everyone knows of Americans, but have nothing to compare their world to. A lot of people I have spoken to have never left the country, several people I have spoken to have never been to Chicago, which is 4 hours away. Again, people all over the world would love to go to Chicago, and will probably never get the chance. I tell people this, and they seem genuinely shocked. "It's just Chicago". Which it of course is, but it is a place people have seen on TV, have read about, and to many offers a lifestyle and freedom many can but dream about.

This is of course not an American thing, in the UK I know people who live near me who have never been to London. We live an hour away. An hour 20 on a slow train. London is probably the most famous city on Earth, the crossroads of the world, offering some of the most famous landmarks in Europe, perhaps the world, has one of the best public transport systems in the world.

I am not a huge fan of London, I think English people should give it a go, live there for a while, that's all most people can deal with, it was for me. A year, that was my lot. A friend of mine went with his girlfriend thinking it was what they should be doing, lasted a year, and have now moved back to rural life. It's not for everyone, quite the contrary, I also know people who are there, and are stuck there, work, family, don't know anything else.

The one thing I do know for sure though, most people in London don't appreciate what they have, and I wonder if people in New York do. Over the July 4th weekend I have seen first hand how proud Americans are to be American, I just wonder if they appreciate what that means, and that there are hundreds of millions around the world who would take their place in a New York minute.

The things people say.

"That guy is from Jamaica" was an utterance I heard last night as I walk around Carmel-fest. I muttered under my breath that I doubted it very much, at which point the guy who must have been wearing one of the 'super' hearing aids I have seen advertised on TV called me on my statement. Most odd, something you would never hear in England, a sarky almost patronising dismiss called out by the subject.

The chap was in his 70s, 80s maybe, and asked me how I could possibly know the guy singing "Murder She Wrote" by Chaka Demus and Pliers was not Jamaican. I didn't have anyway of know obviously, so I just spoke some words in a strong English accent, with a certain authority, about London, and there being areas of London which are Caribbean rich, us having a Caribbean themed carnival every year, and recognising that this guy was simply a local imitating a Jamaican. As I said these things I realised how patronising this must sound, but the bloke, Micheal, and his wife Jeanette seemed genuinely enthralled by my 'wisdom'.

Most bizarre, they asked the usual questions, "Do you know Gordon Ramsay?", "what do English people think about Micheal Vick and his dog-fighting prison sentence?" and the like. People seem actually confused when I tell them most people in the UK would have no idea who Micheal Vick is, but confirm to them that we do indeed love our pets, but I believe dogfighting goes on in Europe also. It is odd that I have had this conversation with several people. Considering it happened quite a long time ago it seems to still be talked about, I guess his recent indiscretions have brought it back in to the public consciousness.

Back to the original quote, it really did seem like one of those throw away lines from Family Guy, the kind that in Britain we laugh at as being a little surreal, and thinking nobody says things like that. Or assuming that the statement is sarcasm at it's finest, but oddly I have heard lines and comments everywhere I have been, and find myself chuckling to myself regularly. I wish I could remember more, I now have a notepad to make notes!!

For the record, the bloke was not from Jamaica, very clearly local when he dropped the character and started chatting up some girls wearing very little.

Independence Day at the Ballpark

If you ever feel the urge to drive anywhere near downtown Indianapolis on the evening of July 4th urge yourself someplace else, north, south, east or west, makes no difference, just not downtown.

I hope this is not what gameday at the football stadium is like, traffic as far as you can see, nobody moving, or indeed in any hurry to move. Fireworks going off at the side of the road, yep, you heard me, at the side of the damn road!

The evening was outstanding on all accounts. I left the hotel in Carmel at 4pm, or thereabouts following a flirtatious exchange with Emily, the receptionist "du jour". Headed south to Indy, stopped off to fill the car up, had it four days, needed the tank filling already, thought I was in for an expensive few days, expecting a $100 or so tank, I was astonished that a full tank was only $33! A weight was lifted!! Truly, I thought I was driving the damn thing wrong, how could I use so much gas, turns out all Japanese cars have smaller tanks than the huge Yank equivilents. Had a problem or two at the pump, to which the attendant found it necessary to shout at me over the loudspeakers! I don't know, usual excuse, "Sorry, British".

AS I approached downtown it became apparent that parking was at somewhat of a premium, several signs around offering to house your car for the game, all it will cost you is £12, and almost certainly whatever is left in it. Choosing to park in a place I knew, and could find my way back to, I drove about downtown for 20 minutes, waiting and hoping that some poor sod would have forgotten their tickets, had a row with partner, decided, almost like me, to fuck it and go find something else to do. I of course had no chance of finding the place I "knew", and fairly obviously would have had zero chance of finding post game.

So I was doing laps of blocks, getting further and further away from the stadium, ending up on a street between Bank of America(easy to remember) and IUPUI's medical centre. Capitol Avenue. No charge to pay, it's a weekend after all! In the US parking fees are seldom charged during the time when you would actually have to pay to use them, sporting occasions, concerts, parades etc, 16000 people at a ballpark, free parking. Great idea. Why is America broke? "Dunno". Dumbass.

So, BOA, and IUPUIMC. Simple enough? Well not for me. Post game and fireworks display, which were awesome it has to be said, will expand more separately, I took a long, long lingering walk back to where I thought I had parked the car, walked about a bit, sore feet due to a standing room only ticket, thirsty as hell, due to the insanely salty fries I had just eaten, and tired, because I am old, I walked the streets of upper downtown Indy, over to my left there was a row of trucks, tailgates down, keg on the flatbed, people dancing and cheering, loving every minute. Fireworks being shot off bonnets of old el caminos, a strong whaft of cannabis floated past me, a tramp yells something abusive at me, hoping I'll respond, therefore acknowledging his existence.

Walking, seems like for an hour, taking in the sights, so many things going on that in England not only would be illegal(it also is here), but most people wouldn't even consider doing. Setting fireworks off in a parking lot, or on the street, using your bonnet as the launch platform. I know some crazy people in the UK, but that would not even be considered. Here it's as blatant as the smell of drugs, the happiness in the air.

I finally, and I do mean finally, find the car, thrilled to see that I am surrounded by what looks like the cast of Dave Chappelle's "Mad Real World". Finding some balls, well actually in desperate need of a piss, and a drink, odd combo I know but this heat beats you down, I press the button on my key fob. It looks like it might be on like donkey kong, until one of them speaks what I assume was English, and I respond in my rural English accent, all of a sudden I have 12 new friends. The usuals, where, why, how long, do I know Gordon Ramsay etc out of the way, I ask for the quickest way out of downtown, it turns out that maybe they were laughing at me, it took an hour 10 to get 7 miles.

"You are too nice", is something I hear a lot, which I never considered to be a bad thing, but on the roads in the US, nice is no way to go.